His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
