Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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