um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
