im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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