I am puke
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
