My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
