She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize