I hate your face
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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