Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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