Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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