There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Porn is love you can see.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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