the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
