I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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