I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
