I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
