I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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