Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
