Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
