Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i used baking grease as lip gloss
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
