he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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