My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
