saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
