I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
