would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
