trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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