she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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