i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
