Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
