My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
