hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
