the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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