you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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