I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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