My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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