The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
