i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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