Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
