i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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