I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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