What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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