shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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