Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
