Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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