I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
