The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
