Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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