just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
