I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You are the jesus of drinking
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
