You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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