His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
