Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
