Someone shit on the floor
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Randomize
