my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
