There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm just crazy horny about you
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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