I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
