My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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